A Wedding of Unfortunate Events
by ninabambina
Summary: Prompt: At the Caskett wedding, almost everyone objects. But there's only one story that really matters. Crack!fic. For Dia. (Rated T for language)


A/N: There is some cursing, both in dialogue and prose. Sorry if that offends.

For Dia. As always.

* * *

What a day to be alive! The sun is shining and the birds are chirping and everyone is happy.

Well, the wedding service is being held inside a cathedral so Castle isn't aware of the current weather conditions but his elation made it feel like nothing could possibly go wrong. Because, come on, their union was meant to be! Come hell or high water (or flaming cars), nothing would stop them from being together.

He stood at the top of the steps, watching the guests trickle in. Alexis fidgeted next to him in her suit. He could practically feel her need for control wafting from her; he had to explain earlier that "best man" didn't mean "best usher" and she had to let the people seat themselves. Ryan and Esposito were having a hushed conversation to the side. Castle thought this would be around the time that they would give him some kind of "big brothers of the bride" talk or a "bros of the groom" congratulatory fist bump or something. He went back to watching the incoming crowds.

He actually didn't recognize quite a few of them…. in all the years he has known Kate he probably should have gone to some of her family functions, rather than just holiday dinners with only him, Alexis, and Martha.

Oh, shit, Aunt Theresa actually showed up. He was hoping she would boycott the wedding. She always expected the worst of him. She just wouldn't trust him with her "li'l Katie-boo". He shook his head at the thought of her delusions; he didn't even know of her existence until, like, last year.

Gina and Meredith were hugging each other in greeting in the middle of the aisle. Castle rolls his eyes. He doesn't know when his ex-wives became buddies nor remember how Alexis convinced him to invite her mother and ex-step-mother to the initiation of her new step-mother.

Oh, fuck no. Sorenson, Demming, and Davidson file in quietly and sit in the very back row of the bride's side. Oh, smooth move, Davidson, getting the aisle seat. This is some real bullshit. How the hell did they even know each other?

Castle leans in towards Alexis, "What the fuck, Pumpkin?"

She startles at his use of expletive. "Wha - ?"

"Why are all of Kate's exes here?"

"Funny story -"

"I really don't think so." If looks could kill…

She puts her hand on his arm to placate him. "Daddy, it's not _all_ her exes. Rogan is in jail and couldn't get furlough, and I couldn't find -"

He growled out, "That's not what I meant. Why would you invite them?"

She stared at him, mouth wide open with no answer coming out. Then the wedding march started playing and she looked so relieved as she immediately turned to face the back of the church. His other groomsmen stood at attention as the first flower girl came out. She was one of Ryan's nieces. Castle couldn't remember her name; she was purely decorational. Little kids are cute and wedding parties aren't complete without at least one.

He plastered a smile on his face. He knew when Kate walked through those doors with Jim everything would be better and he wouldn't even think of those assholes that actually showed up.

His eyes briefly flicked to the groom's side of the pews before he almost broke neck looking again. He was going to fucking kill Alexis! All in the same row: Ellie Monroe, Kyra Blaine, Natalie Rhodes, Amanda Livingston (bachelorette number 3), Serena Kaye, Kristina Coterra, Jacinda what's-her-last-name. Really? REally?

He tried to calm himself as Jenny started making her way down the aisle. The woman herded the two flower girls onto the steps.

Alexis leaned in towards him, whispering, "Dad … Javi forgot the rings."

"Why did 'Sito have the rings? You're the best man. You had _one_ job!"

"Funny story…"

He looked heavenward. "Just shut the fuck up, Alexis."

"Yeah." She went back to standing still.

Lanie was already halfway down the aisle. Why was she walking so slow? He needed to see Kate already. He needed to know that everything would be okay. A smile from Kate was all he needed. Hold up - it looks like Lanie is walking slow on purpose. Is she buying time? What's going on?

A loud crash rings out through the high vaulted ceilings from the atrium. Metal hitting marble flooring, presumably an ornate candle holder. Then muffled shouting resonates through the heavy wooden double doors. The quartet stops playing. The audience is murmuring amongst each other, twisting in their seats to see the commotion with their x-ray vision. Castle is trying to keep himself from running down the aisle. The door shakes with a resounding thud. Please don't say that was a body…. Martha keeps giving him funny glances. Well, everyone is giving him funny glances because this is an odd situation but there's something extra weird about Martha. Like she _knows._ But what does she know?

The doors _finally_ open. The quartet resumes playing the wedding march. The guests pretend to be staring because the bride is so beautiful and not because some serious shit was going down. Jim straightens his rumpled jacket and takes Kate's arm in his own. They begin walking. Kate is looking straight ahead with her lips pursed. She won't make eye contact with Castle. Jim is whispering out of the corner of his mouth to her. Whatever he's saying Kate doesn't like it. She remains unyielding, refusing to respond to her father.

Castle is getting annoyed. And worried. But really annoyed.

Kate doesn't notice it, but Josh reaches out to touch her wedding dress. Is he going to tug on it to get her attention or stroke it because he's a creep? Before he can even touch it, Demming slaps his arm. The detective shakes his head at the doctor. Good Guy Demming.

Finally, _finally_, she looks up at him at their eyes lock. She gives him a small smile. They're finally here. In a place with no deadly incidents or interrupting murder calls. Castle walks down the steps to meet Kate and Jim. Without pause, Kate pulls her arm from Jim's grip and takes Castle's hand. Jim nods at Castle and wordlessly sits next to Martha. His mother takes her father's hand into her lap. Castle doesn't give it a second thought, though it bothers him a little. But he can't concentrate when he has this beauty on his arm - the love of his life, the answer to his prayers, his other half, and every other cliche that perfectly encapsulates everything they are to each other.

They stand before the minister, hands joined, and wait for him to start the service. "_We are gathered here today to …_" And then Castle just zones out. He can't concentrate on the words when Kate is standing before him, giving him that smile, and the way her eyes trailed over his face… he wishes it was her fingertips dancing over his skin, as he's sure that is her mental process. He is just waiting for his cue to say "I do". They chose to not write their own vows. Because really… if they wanted to share pretty flowery words with each other about each other, they'll just tell each other in the privacy of their own bed tonight.

"If anyone objects to this union, speak now or forever - oh…"

Castle breaks from his reverie. Kate's happiness turns to confusion. They break eye contact and look to the audience. Almost everyone has a hand up. Aunt Theresa is waving around knitting needles.

Kate throws Castle's hands away from her, groaning with frustration. She pinches the bridge of her nose with one hand while the other rests on her hip. "Seriously…?", she mutters. She turns away from the audience because this is really fucking embarrassing. The minister doesn't know what to do with himself; he's just standing there spluttering and flipping through his book as if it has the answers.

Castle faces the audience with arms stretched out to the side. "Why? Why would you even show up? Why the - _Mother_? Et tu, Brute? My own flesh and blood?"

Martha looked to the side, muttering, "You don't have to be dramatic about it…"

A laugh of disbelief rips out of him. Kate is sitting on the steps with her hands rubbing her temples. Castle starts to pace, turning, "Dramatic? Really? EVERYONE is raising their fucking hands!" He sees Alexis's hand wavering in the air. He squints his eyes at her, murmuring, "Are you fucking serious? Put'chyour hand down" and slaps her hand down. Alexis pouts and hides behind Esposito.

Castle turns back to face the audience. He's at a loss for words. What do you say to a room of idiots ruining a wedding? He found his words. And he shouted them to the whole congregation. "I don't even care about your stupid opinions! Get the fuck out of here! All of you! Get out!"

The crowd started to rise from their seats, picking up purses and gathering jackets. Castle can hear their murmurs of "well, fuck you, too" and "dipshit" and the ever so innocent "go soak your head."

But then Martha and Jim dare to make an exit. "Oh, not you, Mother. Sit the fuck down, Jim." The older man glared at him, but Castle couldn't be bothered. He was frustrated as all hell. "This is what the fucking rehearsal is for. Hell, you could've even brought it up at the dinner! Why – _why_ – of all places did you have to object at the actual wedding?"

The wedding party starts taking seats wherever they stand. Except for the little flower girls. They run after their parents, who are leaving the church.

When the audience is gone and the minister is in his chambers still not knowing what to do, Castle looks pointedly at Martha. "Well?"

"Weeeeell…." She's refusing to make eye contact. "There was this one time I slept with a Jim Beckett, but I didn't know if it was _this_ Jim Beckett," she pats Jim's chest, "and after last night's rehearsal dinner…" she makes the international sign for boozing it up.

"Mother!" "Are you serious, Dad?" Jim shrugs.

"And, well, … long story short: you don't forget dick like that."

"Aauughhh!" Kate shouted as she covered her eyes and laid back on the stage. _Must. Block. The mental images. Noooo._

Jim was smirking from manly pride. Castle was trying to stop himself from gagging.

Kate shoots back up in a sitting position. "Well, clearly Martha was drunk. What the fuck is _your_ excuse, Dad? You've been sober for over 10 years!"

He sweeps his hand up and down indicatively towards Martha. "Look at her. Can you blame a man?"

"Uh – YES! I _can._ She was supposed to be my mother-in-law by now!"

Jim didn't know how to answer that.

She rolled her eyes at the situation. "I can't do this sober." She rolls over to her knees and crawls up the three steps to a standing position and makes her way behind the altar, almost stumbling over her dress.

Castle is almost composed when he starts asking the real question. "What the fuck does your one-night stand have to do with our wedding?"

"Like I said, this isn't the first time I've been with him. Jim and I had a love affair many years ago."

Kate pours a generous portion of wine into the communion cup. "This is such bullshit," she mutters.

Castle is taken aback by his mother's revelation. "But what about Johanna?"

Jim interjects, "This was long before Jo. I was still in law school when I met your mother."

"There _is_ a considerable age difference between you and Katherine," Martha states, obviously.

Kate ditches the goblet and drinks straight from the bottle.

Castle ignores the barb aimed at his age. "I don't understand what you're getting at."

Martha raises an open palm at him, "Son." Then raises the other open palm to indicate Jim, "Dear old dad."

Kate chokes on the wine, spluttering. She covers her mouth to stop it from coming out and staining her dress. Lanie and Jenny rush to her aid.

Castle is frozen in place. His whole world seems to stop around him. "No. _No_." He shakes his head, disbelieving. "I met my father already. And you saw him too."

"Richard, darling –"

"NO! What happened to your story of experiencing a whole lifetime of love in a single night? What happened to that?"

She waves her hand dramatically, "An actor lives a thousand lives."

"How many fathers do I have?"

She sighs heavily. Dryly put, "It was far more romantic for your father to be a kindred spirit in the night rather than an overworked law student. What difference would it make at the time? You still wouldn't have had a father. All of life is a theater; I made my choice of the story to tell you."

Castle sits down on the steps. He's confused and weary. "But Jackson Hunt followed my whole life. He said he was my dad. He said he was proud of me."

"I'm proud of you, too," piped up Jim.

"Shut the fuck up, Dad," growled Kate. She rested her forehead back on the altar; Jenny and Lanie both continued rubbing comforting circles on her back.

"I'm sorry, Richard. But I'm not completely sure who your father is."

"How could this be?"

"I have a very healthy libido, and back then my stamina was a force to be reckoned with."

"I'll say," said Jim. Kate could be heard muttering expletives into the marble of the altar.

Martha pats his leg in a shushing manner, before continuing. "There were quite a few men, so I'm not 100% sure who your father is. So this _could_ mean that –"

"- That I've been fucking my brother. Shit." Kate slides off the altar and lands on her ass. Jenny tries to help her back up.

"It worked for Jamie and Cersei."

Castle glared at Esposito until Lanie's bouquet met the detective's face.

"I'm sorry that you still don't have closure as to who your father is. I know how much it meant to you as a boy, no matter how much you tried to hide it."

"Okay, but, Mother, this time it's literally intruding upon my life. Even _I_ wouldn't write this in my books."

"Oh, really, Castle? Incest doesn't make a good story? It's not _salacious_ enough for you?" Kate leans heavily on a worried Jenny.

Okay, is the wine hitting her system already? Did she not eat breakfast or something?

Castle walks upstage to Kate, taking her out of Jenny's grasp. "We all know you're not a lightweight, so cut the crap."

She sobers at his take-charge attitude, the fire burning in his eyes.

"We've survived dirty bombs, dirty cops, serial killers, ex-boyfriends, ex-wives, _ex-husband_, mobsters, freezer burn, explosions, political conspiracies, kidnappings, PTSD, career changes, and just so - _much_ - _shit_." He gulps down a huge breath, and continues more slowly, emphatically, "This is just _one_ more thing standing in our way. It's one more thing we can get past. You and me? We beat the odds. That's what our story is all about."

She whispers, lost in memory, "It's what all the great love stories are about."

He leans in towards her, rests his forehead against hers. "Exactly."

They are in their own little world. The seven others in the room watch with respectful marvel.

"So, now what do we do?"

His hand tangles with hers and his eyes meet her own meaningfully. "Paternity test?"

With a face of determination Kate responds, "Paternity test."

At the front of the stage Alexis leans in towards Ryan, whispering, "Maybe 'paternity test' will be their 'always'."

Ryan side-glances her with disbelief and some disgust. Alexis slinks off in shame.

The kind-of happy, slightly inebriated couple make their way out of the church with their arms linked and a plan in mind.

This is the deal they made. They can't give up on their happy ending. This is just another terrible trial to transcend.

* * *

A/N: "After we double-check you're not my sister, I'm going to wife you so hard."


End file.
